Throughout my life, a deep aching lonliness has consistently been present for me. It’s been a darkness that’s followed me in and out of homes and relationships. Honestly, I can’t remember a long period of time where I didn’t feel it. The relationships I tend to draw, and be drawn to, have not yet served me in a fulfilling way… they’ve dimmed my spirit, even while causing growth I clearly needed. Yes, there’s purspose in the pain, but the pain itself has been brutal.
I often question my choices and seek wisdom and clarity from the close friends I’ve been blessed with. Typically, it comes back to a few common themes… my struggles with self-worth, the desire to be loved, and the craving to be understood. Even through actively working on these issues, they’re so deep rooted that I often miss them. The pathways are so entrenched in my thoughts and actions, it’s tricky and slow to rewire… to create a new normal.
I’ve turned toward God in times of need and in times of joy – focusing on being more openly grateful and thankful for the blessings in my life… but that deep lonliness creeps in and locks into my heart. The holidays have been tough this year and I’ve felt lost and isolated. This verse caught my breath tonight, as I read it for the first time.
“I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel; my heart also instructs me in the night seasons.” Psalm 16:7
There have been dark seasons when it comes to dating for me. The emotional roller coaster of meeting someone new and it failing within a few weeks, again and again. After my experiences, I’m not sure that my heart is the right guide to trust. I’ve been dating for a few years since my second divorce and I will tell you, it’s not for the weak. Dating tests every growth you’ve worked so hard to achieve… I’ve learned to acknowledge my needs (to allow myself to have them) and to clearly vocalize what I want from a relationship. I know more of what doesn’t work for me than what does, to be honest.
Attraction to someone’s energy and character along with their looks is so rare for me, that I tend to give it time and space to see where it could go. Yet, the rare times the butterflies do show up, it’s easy to get blurry vision… And then, I pray for discernment.
Dating often leaves me defeated and heartbroken… almost void of hope. The more I know of who I am, the less likely I am to settle. Overall, that’s a win! But, it does lead to a lot of time alone. As an introvert, it’s not all bad, but it can be too much of a good thing. I desire to have a deep, rich love. A true partnership. A relationship that allows for challenge and growth without disrespect. Until then, I pray for discernment in the dark seasons. To wait for what is right.